I dont wanna gay today

don’t wanna gay today.
I don’t feel proud today.
I don’t wanna be strong today.
I’m not confident about who I am today
I feel sheepish. Scared.

I can’t wear the double looks and stares as I grab my girlfriends hand when crossing the street.
Today I don’t want to avoid questions about who I live with.
If I’m married
Have children
I don’t want to sum people up before I decide whether its safe to answer their curiosity in truth.

Today I don’t want to hate myself for feeling like I’m judgmental because I judge others before they can judge me…. Will this one stare or give me smirk? Will they yell “blokes” as they pass us holding hands…again.
Today I don’t feel like correcting the lady at the café about my partner and “what does HE do?” I want to answer proudly and reply  “she’s a performer and she is magical”.

Today I just want to wipe the toast crumbs from my girls chin or the coffee stain from the corners of her lips…. without checking the tables beside us first.
I want to hold her hand as we walk down the street without fear of being abused.
Today I want to fill in a form and have her name as my partner on it.   My next of kin. Without it still being my dad at 33 years old.

I don’t wanna gay today.

I don’t want to read about why I’m not equal, today I want to believe in a wedding day, I want to dream every little girls dream…. I don’t want that robbed from me today. Please God, Buddha….. surely you get it? You don’t really hate me do you?

I don’t feel like stumbling over my words today as the old man at the fruit shop asks if I have a boyfriend    “ no I don’t”.. my reply, the truth, yet somehow I still feel saddened. Silenced.
“Oh you’re one of those career focused girls”.  He prompts.
No, old man… I’m in love. It just isn’t equal love apparently. It’s easier to just smile as he ironically unpacks the lemons.

Today I don’t have the strength to conquer anxiety, I don’t have the patience to stop my rolling mind, I don’t have the stamina to keep going, to face the smirks, to push past the glances, to move through the projection,  to read the hate mail in my inbox from the cruelest minds. I’m not strong today. Today I don’t want to have to be proud and confident……. just for who I love.

I don’t wanna gay today.

Di Kennedy